If You Knew Me…
If you knew me, you’d know that I hate her and you’d judge me for it but I don’t care. I hate her.
There are people in life that are protected by society. For example, you cannot be mad at God, the Pope or the dead. It’s frowned upon. How dare you have ill feelings against the people that society put on a pedestal? It reminds me of the women that came out with allegations against Dr. Bill Cosby and the people of colour were enraged because once again our idol was being torn down.
Automatically, it became a race issue or conspiracy theory about how the whites won’t let us have legends or whatever the story was. (Please also refer to the O. J Simpson story.)
My point is, sometimes you have to hide your grievances towards a person because people will judge you and ridicule you for having those feelings in the first place. Stories about women that have Post-natal depression or post partum psychosis would never fly where I come from. A woman that hates her own baby? She’ll be dismissed as cruel or possessed. You cannot bear a child and not love them, its absurd. Put away that foolishness and fake that love til you make it.
We didn’t know how many people disliked the former President of Zimbabwe until he was removed. All of a sudden, even his mouthpieces had a thing or two to say about him. This was so funny to watch because less than two weeks before Provincial leaders had come out and backed Dr Amai to be Vice President and when the winds of change came, those same provincial leaders were standing down wind. My point is, sometimes you are going to hate someone and for some reason, you will not be able to openly communicate that you hate them due to fear of retribution.
I have never told a single soul but God knows I hate her. I feel so bad about it but I cannot fix it or change it. I feel horrible for having such feelings towards her but am I not allowed to feel how I feel? I will never act on it or even wish her ill but I have come to accept that I hate her and that’s okay too. I will no longer go through the discomfort of trying to feel another way about it.