Haunted By The Past

​You weren’t there and I still cannot get over it. I needed you and you were not there. I had to be there for me until I got tired of being there for me. The void you left, let people come and go in my life as they pleased. I kept looking for you in places that I had no business being in. I was alone, young and stupid and you left me wide open for the vultures to swoop in and plunder. You tainted the idea of what love looks like and I am on a relentless pursuit for people that do not care because that’s the idea of love that you showed me.

I am ungovernable. I got used to living by my own rules that I don’t know the difference between right and wrong no longer. I am addicted to the pain and the chaos but you gave me my first hit. I thrive in the drama and I live for it. If it was affecting just me, it would be better but the problem is, I am now walking around breaking other human beings as well. Hurt people hurt people. I am so uncomfortable when I am happy. When you reach out to touch me, I flinch. People that do nice things for me make me suspicious AF. That’s because you taught me that I didn’t deserve anything. I wasn’t worthy of your time or your affection.

I have tried to get over you and heal and move past this. I try every single day and every single day there is a new reminder of how much you broke me. My life is empty. I cannot get close to other people. I am socially awkward with no people skills whatsoever. My awkwardness comes across as b*tchy, rude, abrasive and unapproachable. I can’t let anyone in because I am scared they will hurt me. I cannot let them do nice things for me because I am terrified that they are keeping a running tab of how many things they have done for me.

You are nothing to me, like the nothing you did for me.