I Can’t Getchu Outta My Head
By Thembi Terry Zulu
The one thing that is taking up most of my mental space is the anxiety of what happens now? Something is wrong, and I know its wrong but I can’t seem to stop it or change it and I am tired of failing at trying to change it. I need to know, what happens now.
Went for a counselling retreat weeks ago for my other ghosts and skeletons and while I was there, I started to dig up stuff I had buried so deep, I forgot it was there. Suppression on suppression on depression. I started to re-live those things again. I started to feel things which was weird for me cause I have been numb for years. I suppressed so much that I lost my ability to feel. During the retreat I said things that I had never let get past my mouth. And after all was said and done, I was left raw and vulnerable and my question was, “What happens now?”
I quit my job two months ago because I was tired. I was tired in a place that I cannot touch. Somewhere in my mind, soul, body, emotions I was exhausted. I took some time out to go and be with my family and that got old very fast. I managed to launch my new project and it’s steady doing well. So many opportunities are coming this way but I am still tired. My mind is congested and fragmented. I cannot grasp a single thought. I have suspended all decision making because I am that out of it. So, in my career, I am also wondering, “What happens now?”
I fell in love with the Bodyguard of Beijing and he made me happy. The only thing that made me happier than him was money. He was quite a big deal. But he left. Sent me a 15 minute long voice note about why we can’t be together. I listened to four minutes and maxed out my emotional availability for that day. I still have not listened to the whole thing but I will at some point. The thing that makes me mad is he had me open. He had me wanting things that I didn’t want before. What TF happens now to the new desires and aspirations that he has aroused within me?
In all areas of my life, I am standing at the crossroads wondering what happens next.
