I Am Not Healed And I Know It

​I am greedy for closure, that is why I am unable to heal from disappointment. I am a control freak and I freak when things do not go my way.

When I do not understand something, I cannot let it go. From human behaviour to a simple children’s riddle, as long as there is failure to comprehend, it will haunt me until I get a logical answer or conclusion. I’ll replay it over and over in my mind. Sometimes, I will even have nightmares about it. Its like constantly living on a cliffhanger.

Most of the things I have failed to let go of are bordered around, “I don’t understand why you would do this to me?” My friend likes to say that you don’t have to ask why, just deal with what has happened and accept it in order to move forward. The Miss-Know-It-All in me must know it all.

I have so many questions. Help me understand what I did wrong for you to hurt me in the manner that you did.

Wasn’t I good to you?

Is this due punishment for some vicious crime?

What was I not enough for you to ditch?

I am not vindictive or vengeful. I am thirsty for the truth. Tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts so that I can have peace and move on. Curiosity does kill the cat. I will gnaw and gnaw at this penny for my thoughts until I have no teeth. Don’t leave me hanging. rip the band aid. I take everything personally, I will always assume that the fault was with me. I cannot let go because I make excuses for people and justify why they would have hurt me. I tend to think that I brought it on myself.

I am too hands on to let go and let God.