Who Am I?

​by Thembie Terry Zulu

When I look in the mirror, I don’t really know what I’m looking at. The obvious answer is, “Duh, you’re looking at yourself,” but I haven’t a clue who I am and that’s the beginning of my problem. As the year draws to a close, it’s time to do stocktake. What went wrong? What went right? And what are we doing differently in 2018? And I don’t have the answers to these questions.

I believe that everything is connected to everything. The choices we make aren’t independent. They are connected to either past experiences or future aspirations. When I look at myself in the mirror, my body is the embondiment of my life. I am unhappy with some of my body parts, and I know what needs to be done to fix those parts but I either cannot afford it, or I just will not commit to doing what must be done.

I have been meaning to slim down my waistline and I have workout DVDs and diet plans that could help me achieve my goal but I will not do them. I know what I want for my life and my future but I just can’t seem to do it. Laziness or indiscipline, I’m not quite sure.

I am Thembi Terry, the girl that cannot recall her own face in her mind because she spends very little time in front of the mirror. I am the girl that’s stuck between now and then and worried about the journey to the future. I am constantly changing, swayed by emotions and haunted by the past. A people-pleasing chameleon that changes and adapts to the person I am dealing with. I have done this so many times, I do not even remember who Thembelihle is. I have played so many roles and so many games its hard to say which of my trades I have mastered.

I do not know who I am without my confusion, games, personas and scars.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see. Who are you right now?