Top 10 African Home Rules
Here’s the thing I love about my best friend, she will come over and it requires little to no effort at all to entertain her. There is no pressure when she is coming over. No pressure to come across a certain way. No pressure to be a person that I am not. Initially, I wanted to write a post about our rules at the Zulugirl house but we are too weird. So I have decided to list the top ten rules for when you are coming over to visit me because when in Rome….
- Please Don’t Come
Getting visitors gives me anxiety. I start to over think and drive myself nuts. I relive the visit many many times before it actually takes place. I am agoraphobic, I like to be alone. So when you come to my house, I feel trapped on home ground. That’s too wrong. If what you are coming over for can be done over a call or a text, rather we do that.
- RSVP and Send Reminders That You Are Still Coming
Have you ever planned a whole visit from the food, to spring cleaning and even drafting some conversation points and the person doesn’t show? Not even a heads up to say I may not be coming. Now, when people don’t RSVP and send reminders, I do not lift a finger.Don’t feel shy about cancelling, I didn’t want you to come anyway. This is good news. Feel free to cancel, I can take it.
- Eat what’s there
Right, you have come to MY house. You knew where you were going when you left your house. You did not mysteriously end up at my house when you meant to go to a 5-star restaurant. I do not know how to cook (one of the many reasons why I am unmarried.) If you force me to cook it’s at your own risk
- Don’t Abuse my WiFi
I voluntarily give my visitors the WiFi password so that both of us can be on our phones and not have a real conversation. Do not abuse my generosity. You cannot start to download Game of Thrones episodes in HD on my already slow internet. And I had better not find you lurking outside my house just because you are connected to our WiFi.
- Use the Loo At Your Own House
Water is an issue. Well, not where I come from but here in Harare you never know whether people have water or not. My advice, use the facilities at your own house before you come to my house. You don’t want to do a ‘big job’ and then have to go all the way outside to the well to fetch flushing water.
NB: I will not help you.
- You’d Better Not Reach For the Remote
I had a relative who was addicted to watching the news and every time he came around, you knew it was news time until he leaves. When in Rome, watch what the Romans watch. There are some channels that we don’t even care that they exist. If you wanted to see something on the telly, you should have stayed home and watched it on your own television.
- If You Want It, Go Get It
People come through to your house and start thinking that you are their butler. If you are in my house you are not just anybody. You are practically family, if you want water, you know where the kitchen is and where the cups stay. On the other hand, I always ask for stuff when I go visiting because I don’t want to be told, “Oh no, that’s sekuru’s mug, only he drinks from it,”
- Take Me As I Am
If you have been to the house of Zulu, you’ll know that we don’t like to wear clothes. My mum put up a high-security wall just so we can have privacy. When people come over, we have to go through the exercise of being appropriate. We do not like this. Some will choose to hide in their rooms until the visitor leaves. I will not make an effort to get dressed up for you. You don’t do my laundry.
- You Are Responsible For Your Belongings
If you come into the house with something, please leave with it. You are not a child. Don’t call me from your house talking about, oh I forgot something. I am suspicious of people, I always think it’s just a way for them to wrangle another visit out of me. Belongings include children. Watch your child and keep your child from destroying my house.
- Leave
When it’s all said and done, please get up and leave. When the main thrust of your visit has been covered and I have been an amazing hostess, you can go home and tell somebody. Don’t stick around for supper or loiter in my house til it’s dark so you can ask for a lift back home. Too much of anything can make you sick, I have enjoyed your company now please go to your own house.
Written by Thembi Terry Zulu
Check Out the rest of her hilarious blog on thembiterry.co.zw
